Perpetual Potential: If We’re Never “Where We’re Supposed to Be” in Life…When Do We Get There?
Updated: Aug 17, 2019
I'm one of those people who constantly rearranges her furniture. The couch can only look so good on one side of the room for so long. There's always another way to arrange a room. There is always more potential for the room to look better. Even if I find a way that looks good, I will like it for just a few weeks or months before everything is moved around again. Ironically, I rearrange my life the same way.
During my most recent living room rampage, I decided that it may finally be time to frame and hang my college degrees. Between Stephen and I, there were four to display. For a moment I looked at those degrees on the wall and felt pride. It was a short moment - as all of the proud moments have been since I graduated. You see, like most of my peers, I'm in a constant state of "I'm not there yet."
I'm twenty-six with two degrees. Something I let myself feel proud of until I look up and remember that I'm unemployed, unmarried, childless and in a shit ton of debt. I have an online platform that I love with Gyul Meets World, and I let that make me smile until I think of how much more I could do with it...I could have more followers, more content, better content. There's this stupid little clock in my head that I don't remember getting installed; one that ticks and ticks and ticks and tells me I'm late or falling behind no matter how much I get done.
Apparently I have a million things to do before I'm 30.
When I'm 30 I'll have a billion things to do before 40.
When I'm 90 I'll be mad I'm not "old" the right way, I assume?
It's exhausting to live in this state of perpetual potential, to feel little to no satisfaction because it's standing behind a wall of comparison that I seem to be so keen on standing behind. I sometimes think it's beautiful to see potential in things - it's always a challenge and there's always room for growth. Still, some days I want to see what IS. I want to just BE there. So that's what I'm working on.
Of course, changing the way that you think and overcoming anxiety is easier said than done, but a part of me feels like I owe it to myself to break away from this idea that I'm supposed to "have it together by _________." If the deadline keeps changing, and the goal keeps changing...what justice am I doing myself? Who am I planning to be when I'm older?
A woman who looks at life as a journey I'm enjoying? Or one who is constantly worried about making it to the destination?